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Bombette: Welcome to another awesome battle in the Mushroom Bowl! I'm Bombette, and today's guest referee, the winner of the previous match, the princess of Saladland, and able to fight with sports equipment like they're Keyblades, Daisy!
Daisy: It's Sarasaland!
Two red warp pipes rise out of opposite corners in the battle pit.
Bombette: And now tonight's Opponent Faction fighters! In this corner, the second-youngest Koopaling with a speech for every occasion imaginable, and some unimaginable, Morton Koopa Jr.!
Morton emerges from one of the red pipes.
Morton: I would like, enjoy to say, speak, talk that it is an honor, privilege to be here.
Bombette: And his opponent, the third oldes Koopaling and probably the one the boss got the idea for sunglasses from, Roy "Bully" Koopa!
Roy leaps from his pipe and slams the ground, causing a massive earthquake!
Roy: Oh yeah! I want that trophy for my collection and I'll flatten everyone that gets in my way!
Morton: I think you mean "anyone."
Roy: Says the guy that one letter away from being named "Moron!"
Daisy: Strike Raid!
Morton: Ow, ouch, yipe!
Roy: Eh, that barely hurt.
SC: Daisy, we have an unwritten rule around here that the referees don't attack the participants, especially with boomeranging golf clubs.
Daisy: Well, Sor-RY! Wait, you look different from last match...
SC: So you've noticed I decided to be my kitsune self instead of Lakitu for this tournament. Doesn't matter; these people know who I am.
Random Passerby: Hey, StupidComputer, you STINK! HA ha ha ha h-
Daisy: You just hit that guy in the head with a brick.
SC: I swear, he's been stalking me. This the second time Mr. Passerby has insulted me for no real reason.
Random: It's... because... you stink... (faints)
SC: Anyways, now it's Sparkz's favorite part of the match, Who Gets Shocked For Not Being Psychic!
Sparkz (excited): Raichu! Raichu!
SC: Also known as the match prediction guy. (rolls die) Four! Which means it's the return of Petey Piranha! Ready the chains!
The green pipe rises and Petey Piranha bursts from it. The audience quickly chains him down and SC attaches a shock collar connected to a helmet on Sparkz's head.
SC: Great. His throat's clogged with sludge again. Umbrellas ready! (whips out umbrealla)
Audience: (also whip up umbrellas)
Petey: GRAAAAACK! (spits out a large chunk of sludge that is mostly blocked by umbrellas but lands on the unconscious Random)
SC: You've been here before, you know the drill. Morton or Roy?
Petey: GRAAAAACK! No just kiddding. Roy.
SC: Goodie. And if by some crazy fluke Morton wins, Sparkz has some fun.
Sparkz: Rai rai!
Doopliss: I would like to point out I'm still in the wheelchair here.
SC: We stopped caring. Now, game start! (rings bell)
Daisy: (blows whistle)
Roy: Roy Special!
Morton: Shell Guard!
Bombette: Roy attempted to do a cannonball on Morton, but Morton spun in his shell and deflected it!
Morton: Shell Drive!
Bombette: Morton's still spinning! He looks like he's charging up something!
Bombette: Roy jumped and shook the pit floor, and it seems that stopped Morton's move.
Roy: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Morton: Oof! Oof! Oof!
Bombette: Roy's repeatiately stomping the ground and it seems to be doing a little damange to Morton!
SC: What the hell is this? Roy looks like a little kid throwing a temper tantrum. Random Event Slots, go!
Bombette: The slots spin and we have... Five, one and three! Which adds up to nine and... the tightropes again?
SC: Why not? The odds of getting a sum of 9 is 15.2%.
Daisy: What makes you say that?
SC: I did the math. Now go ref or something.
Bombette: Both fighters have climbed onto the tightropes and are hanging from them, probably because they're too fat to balance.
Roy: I heard that, pinky! This is all muscle, ya hear me?!
Sparkz: Raichu! Raichu! Raichu!
Daisy: What's he doing?
SC: Egging them to fall, I think.
Doopliss: That Raichu shares your Mushroom Bowl mean streak.
SC: Shut up and go ref.
Daisy: I'm the ref.
SC: Then you ref and Freek-Sheet shuts up.
Bombette: Meanwhile, during that nearly-dumbing conversation, Morton and Roy have climbed close to each other and started kicking at each other!
Morton: Let go, release, break away! And ow!
Roy: Not on your life, Big Mouth. Although do keep the massage going.
SC: This is even duller then before. Go, Random Event!
Bombette: And the results this time are... Four, one and two, which is seven. Which is laughing gas. And true enough, both of them are starting to crack up.
Morton: Ha, ho, tee hee, giggle! Ha, ho, tee hee, giggle!
Roy: Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!
SC: Will these guys just let go already? I'm getting bored.
Doopliss: Oh now you jinxed it. Someone is gonna let go.
Roy: Roy Mega Kick!
Morton: Oof! WAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......
Daisy: Match over! Roy wins!
Bombette: Roy stopped laughing long enough to launch a two-footed kick move that sent Morton into the pit! Um... is he going to be OK?
SC: Let's just say we won't have to be bothered with him for a good long while.
Daisy: Y'know, I have to say, this is one of the most one-sided fights I've ever seen. And one of the dumbest.
SC: I have college to deal with. What do you expect? The Indy 500?
Daisy: The Indy 500 is a race.
Bombette: So Roy, announce or ref?
Roy: I'll make this short, Shorty McShortenson: ref.
SC: If that's a diss on my height, I'll find some way to hurt you.
Doopliss: Oooh, I was so right! Someone let go moments after you said it!
Sparkz: Raaaaaai... CHUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!
Doopliss: BLARGIBLARGIBLARGIBLARGIBLARGIBLARGIBLARGIAHHH! End transmission...
This Game's Winner Is...